Kirei's Valentine's Day
by Mapo2812
Summary: Fate/zero. It's the day before V-Day and Gilgamesh gives Kirei a list of numbers to call to see if he can get a date. Hilarity ensues... and after that, serious business ensues. Three endings, ranging from heartwarming to depressing.
1. Go on a date with me

Gilgamesh's eyes, as deep and red as the wine in his glass, narrowed as his lips curved into a predatory smirk.  
>"Kirei, how about it? I assure you that it will be a worthwhile experience."<p>

* * *

><p>Kirei leaned back in his chair with a sigh, eyes still glancing alternately at the telephone beside him, at the piece of paper in his hand, and at the empty ceiling of his room behind the church. What exactly did Archer expect from him? He scanned over the numbers on the page. Archer had probably acquired those through bribery, he reasoned. If even the King of Heroes was willing to go to so much trouble, perhaps it would be worth a try.<p>

With a little anticipation in his heart, he picked up the phone and began to dial.

Maiya answered the call immediately, before the first ring even ended.  
>"Yes?"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Eh? …"<br>"Go on a date with me."  
>"...Will you leave Kiritsugu alone if I do so?"<br>"...No."  
>"Then I refuse."<br>"I see. Goodbye."  
>Kirei sighed again. He had the feeling that the rest of them would go rather similarly.<p>

Irisviel took quite a while to answer her cell phone. Homunculi were hardly associated with talent for using technology.  
>"Hello? What is it, Kiritsugu?"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Ko-Kotomine...! What are you talking about? Also, weren't you after Kiritsugu?"<br>"...That's true. Goodbye."  
>"Wait-"<br>Kirei swiftly put the handset down as he read the next name and phone number on the list. That might be a little interesting, he hoped.  
>In the meantime, let us imagine this scene: Irisviel panics and yells into her cell phone for about a minute before giving up. Behind her, the King of Knights facepalms.<p>

Kiritsugu also answered immediately, as though he were expecting a call or about to make one himself.  
>"Is this Kotomine Kirei?"<br>"...Yes."  
>"What was the meaning of your call to Maiya?"<br>"...Go on a date with me."  
>"I am aware that-"<br>"Go on a date with me."  
>Click.<br>Glaring at the telephone, Kirei mechanically dialled the next number on the list. Not much left to look forward to.

A servant seemed to have answered the call in Aoi's place.  
>"Tohsaka residence. How may I help you?"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"E-excuse me! A-are you looking for..."<br>"...I'm looking for Tohsaka Aoi."  
>"A-ah, I see, please wait a mo-moment..."<br>"Hello."  
>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."<br>"...My, it isn't like you to joke, Kirei." Soft laughter.  
>"That wasn't a joke."<br>"...Now, Tokiomi wouldn't be happy to hear that. We should end this conversation."  
>"I see. Apologies."<br>That had in no way been a good idea, Kirei thought. He could just imagine, if Rin had picked up the phone- "LOLICON!"  
>The next one would probably be even worse, though.<p>

Tokiomi took quite some time to - presumably - remember how a telephone worked and how to answer it.  
>"Hello. This is Tohsaka."<br>"This is Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"*choke* *splutter* *cough* *cough*...Pardon?"<br>"Go...go on a date with me."  
>"D-date!"<br>There was a rather distinctive, sparkling, golden, and undoubtedly ORIGINAL laugh somewhere in the background. Kirei promptly hung up.

Sola-ui answered the hotel telephone instead of Kayneth, thankfully.  
>"Hello?"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Oh, sorry, I belong to someone else already...ehehehe..." Her blush was almost audible through the telephone.<br>"I see. Goodbye." That line was probably lost on her overheating mind.  
>As he hung the phone up, Kirei could not help but notice that the list he had been given was a little short on women. In fact, he seemed to have spoken to the last of them. In light of this, he considered giving up on his task, but Gilgamesh had been certain that the exercise would prove worthwhile.<br>If any of the rather distinctly male people on his list accepted his offer, he really did not know how to react.

Waver seemed quite familiar with modern technology for a magus. Just goes to show how much of a rebel he was.  
>"Hello?"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Wh-what! Aren't you an enemy Master? What are you trying to do?"<br>"Nothing. So, go on a date with me."  
>"No way!" Strange, his blush was almost audible, too. What did a blush sound like, anyway?<br>"I see. Goodbye."  
>The next number belonged to...Caster's Master. What kind of insane words would he hear from that crazed murderer? Kirei idly wondered this as he dialled.<p>

Ryuunosuke, wherever he was, apparently had mobile phone reception.  
>"Hello~!"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Woah, that's COOOOL, Bluebeard! Ah, sorry, I can't hear you over the screaming. Let me go out for a sec. There's pretty bad reception in this tank thing, anyway."<br>"..." The phone quieted down. Kirei tried his best not to think about the rather...curious sounds he had been hearing.  
>"OK!"<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Che, you don't sound like a cute girl at all! Go away. Man, what a waste of time."<br>Beep. Ryuunosuke ended the call.  
>Somehow, the most insane individual seems to have given one of the most normal responses. Well, only if you pointedly ignore the noises in the background...<p>

The next name was Kariya's. However, the number was not a mobile one, so the call obviously reached his (former) home, instead.  
>"Hello. This is the Matou estate."<br>"This is Kotomine Kirei. Go on a date with me."  
>"Hahahahaha, I never thought that this old man would hear that from anyone!"<br>"..." So it was Zouken. Ugh. That old magus should be drowned in formalin as a rare species. The only worm on Earth which could use a phone.  
>"Unfortunately, I really must refuse your offer. However, there is someone else who I can allow to accompany you."<br>"..." Unfortunately? He must have meant "fortunately". Perhaps there would be a chance to speak with Kariya, after all. That would be infinitely preferable to being with Zouken, although as a date...  
>Kirei grimaced. He was not looking forward to it at all.<p>

* * *

><p>[Kirei]<br>((Thanks for reading this far. Hope you found this entertaining. Next up: Kirei's date! There will be 3 different endings. They're all (to me) of equal value, but you'll probably like some more than others.))


	2. My Valentine

The next day, in front of the Matou mansion, Kirei met the person he was supposed to spend the day with.  
>He stared.<br>She stared back. Yes, "she".  
>Two pairs of equally empty eyes gazed blankly at each other.<br>And so, Kirei found himself with a very young Matou Sakura. He sighed for the umpteenth time.

-Morning-  
>"Sakura."<br>"...Yes?"  
>"Is there anywhere you would like to go?"<p>

"...home..."  
>"Home... Which home?"<br>"...no. Never mind."  
>They ended up sitting silently on a bench in a nearby park. Sakura stared into space like a doll. Kirei stared into space like Sakura. The Sun stared down at them like itself.<p>

-Lunch-  
>"Sakura."<br>"...Yes?"  
>"Is there anything you would like to eat?"<p>

"...not really..."  
>Kirei treated her to mapo tofu. She stared blankly at the living incarnation of hellfire on her plate.<br>"Are you going to eat?"

She tentatively scooped up a small bite and tasted it. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes, as though a barrier had burst. For the first time in far too long, Sakura cried. Such is the profound power of mapo tofu.  
>"Well, if it is not to your liking..."<br>Unwilling to see the food go to waste, Kirei ate her portion as well as his own three. With such a cute girl sitting across from him, even (read: especially) when she was crying, it tasted twice as good.

-Afternoon-  
>"Sakura."<br>"*sob* ...Yes?"  
>"Is there anything you would like to do?"<p>

"...Grandfather said...I should... *sniffle*"  
>"You should...?"<br>"..." She tugged at his sleeve and pointed. Kirei followed her gesture to... a hotel.  
>"No."<br>They ended up in the same park, staring into space in an increasingly awkward silence. Birds chirped, leaves rustled, Sakura sobbed, and Kirei sighed.

She had been crying since lunch, and Kirei was forced to suppress the emotions that had welled up as a result of this development in order to think. In this situation, as a couple... Tentatively, he reached out and held Sakura's hand. She turned to him in surprise. He stared at her face intently, deep in thought.

He had heard of what the Matou magecraft was like and had some idea of what the girl had been through. This attracted his attention - just a little, only a little, no matter what that Archer said - and he felt that perhaps this was not a complete waste of time, after all.

In the meantime, Sakura's tears had stopped and her tiny hand began gripping his fingers. She smiled, softly, almost unnoticeably. Kirei's eyes widened. Suddenly, an image of the exact same smile had flashed through his mind, along with white hair, golden eyes- No, he had to cut off that thought right there. His memories of his deceased wife should be locked away forever.

At that moment, Kirei sensed a source of powerful prana nearby. It certainly wasn't strong enough to be a Servant, but it had to be a magus and probably a Master. Deciding that it was dangerous and a little grateful for the distraction, he stood up. Sakura looked at him in surprise.

1. Tell Sakura the situation  
>2. Go and investigate<p>

* * *

><p>[Kirei]<br>((The endings will be up tomorrow, in the recommended reading order. The first two result from this "choice" above, and the last is the one I originally had in mind but later replaced because... well, because the two possibilities presented here were equally interesting. They're all equally canon to the fic, so read all of them on the basis of "if Kirei did this" or "if this person showed up".))


	3. 1 Tell Sakura the situation

1. Tell Sakura the situation  
>"There's somebody here," he said, looking towards the source of the prana. "He may be dangerous."<br>As he turned to go and investigate, he felt something tugging at the end of his shirt. Looking down, he found Sakura looking at him with fear in her eyes. She shook her head with more decisiveness than he had seen from her all day.  
>"...Don't go." As soon as she spoke those words, she looked away, and they stood there awkwardly for a moment.<br>The person suspected to be a Master hadn't made a move, but he couldn't take his chances by staying with Sakura. She would only be a liability if a fight broke out here. He pried her fingers off his shirt.  
>Sakura's eyes watered up again and she shook her head violently. Just then-<p>

Sudden pressure. About ten metres away, a black mist condensed into the distinctive form of Berserker.  
>Kirei's eyes narrowed. Sakura clung to him even harder, pulling at his shirt as though her life depended on it. Knowing Berserker's Master, he would be safer if he kept Sakura with him and effectively used her as a shield. Thinking this, he picked her up and leapt further away.<p>

Before he even landed, the black knight charged forwards and was right in front of him the next moment. Even as he recognised that the situation was desperate - no matter how skilled he was, he couldn't possibly match a Servant of this caliber - he drew his Black Keys with his right hand while holding his left arm around Sakura. Once again, he leapt away, this time calling out.  
>"Stop your Servant, Matou Kariya, or I will kill this girl." He punctuated this statement by throwing his weapons at the Master hidden in the shadows.<p>

The girl in question let out a small gasp and clung on even harder. Berserker took a second to block the Black Keys instead of rushing after them again. After a moment's hesitation, Kariya stepped out from the shadows he had been hiding in. He spoke even as he was visibly straining just to stay on his feet, eyes on only one person.  
>"Sakura, it's OK. I'll save you, so don't cry anymore." Somehow, with his half-dead face, he managed a kind smile. Then, he lifted his arm, planning to use a Command Seal, if necessary, to take Sakura and kill Kirei.<p>

Now that his opponent's objective was clear, Kirei let go of Sakura and stepped away from her. She immediately ran to Kariya's side. Unexpectedly, the two didn't immediately leave.  
>"What did you want with Sakura?" Kariya asked as he glared at Kirei. "You seem to have hurt her. Or you would have."<br>Kirei did not answer. There was no point. The man was not entirely sane and was unlikely to believe anything he said. Kariya even seemed to ignore Sakura, who was desperately shaking her head again.  
>"You're a Master, aren't you? Tokiomi's apprentice, I've heard... Then I'm justified in doing this to you." He smiled again, coldly, as Berserker charged towards Kirei once again.<br>"No, Uncle-" Sakura's small voice was lost in the darkening park and she was left staring helplessly as the man who had been her companion, even just for a day, dodged and ran and tried and failed to escape. Within moments, he was caught by black gauntlets, knowing that he could not fight back.

Just before his limbs were twisted, his bones crushed, he caught the expression on Sakura's face. It was the same as it had been before the fight had begun - ah, so it hadn't been fear for herself, but fear for Kirei's safety, that had caused her to stop him. For a moment, he thought he saw his wife's face there, with that same expression.

No, he corrected himself as he squeezed his eyes shut against the momentary pain. He really had seen her. As he reached out to her, his eyes open once again and his body lighter than ever, her worried frown had become a gentle smile.

"Welcome home, Kirei."

DEAD END  
><p>

* * *

>-Tiger Dojo-<br>"Hello! We have a new visitor today! Welcome!" Taiga was even more energetic than usual because there was finally someone other than Shirou visiting her dojo.  
>"What, it isn't Shirou this time?" Illya, on the other hand, was frowning.<br>"Be quiet, pupil #1! This is good news! Best news! The best news we've ever had!"  
>"But it isn't onii-chan this time! This is bad! You know what this means?"<br>"It means we're finally gaining popularity! And visitors! At the same time!"  
>"Shut up, Tiger! No, this means that the priest turned into the main character!"<br>"Eh? Huh?"  
>"Before you know it, he'll be in your class at school and make a contract with Saber and learn magic from Rin and cook breakfast with Sakura!"<br>"What! But he'll only cook mapo tofu! I want Shirou's cooking back!"  
>"...So you just ignored all the rest of it? Well, it's fine as long as you understand."<br>"OK, maybe this news isn't as good as I thought... But! We have to serve the purpose of this dojo! Get ready, Pupil #1!"  
>"Yosh! Let's work hard!"<br>"Well, Kotomine. You have to remember that you look like a lolicon! It isn't strange for Sakura's guardian to think you're a suspicious person and attack you!"  
>"Wait, isn't the attacker even more suspicious?"<br>"That's not the point! Anyway, go back and make the other choice. Don't waste time when there might be a threat nearby."  
>"Yeah, what were you expecting to accomplish by explaining to that Matou, anyway?"<br>"That's all! I guess we won't see you again, unless you really turn into the main character. Goodbye!"  
>"Good riddance!"<br>

* * *

>[Kirei]<br>((Well, it's a very Fate/stay night-like Dead End where you die of something random. The Dojo was fun to write - it's because of this that I even made a Bad End in the first place. Snuck Kirei's wife into this because one of our admins wants to see a fic about them, and I wanted to consolidate my image of her beforehand.  
>So, like Taiga said, go back and select option 2! Or, if you've done that already and come back here, consider taking a look at the original ending.))<p><p> 


	4. 2 Go and investigate

2. Go and investigate  
>"Excuse me for a minute," he said, walking away without sparing her a second glance.<p>

In the corner of his eye, he caught a hooded figure just as it shrank back into the shadows around it. Matou Kariya. Judging by what Kirei knew about his background and motives, he was most likely only there to watch over Sakura. He was glad; after all, as half-baked as Kariya was, he was still the Master of a very powerful Servant.

He took a few steps back towards Sakura, who was still watching him, and stopped a couple of metres away.  
>"Sakura."<br>"...Yes?"  
>"Someone is here to pick you up. Let us part ways now."<br>Sakura nodded and stared after him as he turned to leave, her expression still doll-like and unreadable.  
><p>

* * *

>Kirei made his way back home, pushing open the door to his room to find a familiar figure waiting there, casually sipping wine.<br>"Well, Kirei, did you enjoy yourself?"  
>"Not in the slightest. What was the meaning of this exercise, Archer?"<br>"Oh? What do you think today's date is, Kirei?"  
>"The fourteenth of February...ah. I see."<br>"It really is a shame that you failed to enjoy yourself on such an important day. So, Kirei..." Gilgamesh slowly drawled out his name, smiling in that crafty way that showed that he was planning something.  
>"What is it, Archer?" Kirei could not suppress his irritation. "If there is something you wish to say, say it."<br>"So, to make up for it, let us spend this evening entertaining each other over a glass of wine. How about it, Kirei?"  
><hr>Meanwhile, Kariya walked towards Sakura, whose eyes still seemed to be following Kirei even though he was out of sight.  
>"Sakura."<br>She turned to him. "...Yes?"  
>"Are you OK? Did that man do anything strange to you?"<br>Sakura shook her head. "He...was nice."  
>Kariya stopped in his tracks. That was an unexpected response. "Ah, really?"<br>She nodded. Even though they had spent most of their time together in silence, he really was being nice to her. He never hurt her, he bought her lunch and didn't scold her for not eating it, he held her hand when she cried... It was only a small measure of kindness, but it gave Sakura a little smile.  
>"Yes, Uncle Kariya. ...I had a good time."<p>GOOD END<br>

* * *

>[Kirei]<br>((I learned something new. Kirei and Sakura make a rather cute couple. Anyway, hope you liked this rather odd story which can't seem to decide whether it wants to be funny or serious. A couple of our admins seem to ship Gil and Kirei, so... they get to spend a V-Day evening together offscreen, heh.  
>Have you seen option 1 yet? It's a Bad End, but probably worth a look. Also, if you like, read the original ending.))<p><p> 


	5. Extra: Original ending

[Kirei]  
>((If you want to, read on for the original ending. It begins right after "His memories of his deceased wife should be locked away forever."<br>Slight spoiler warning (although really, you probably know this stuff). Also, it might be a bit depressing and a little wordy.))

* * *

><p>He abruptly snatched his hand back and looked away from Sakura, but even so, he could not help but recall the regret he had felt at that final moment, brought by those kind words - "No, you do love me" - not with a living reminder sitting beside him, wearing that familiar expression of concern and desolation. His gaze kept shifting back to her, tracing her delicate features. His trembling hands slowly found their way onto her shoulders, resting there for a moment, pulling her closer... then sliding up, settling around her neck. The girl was fragile, much like his wife had been. With a different face she wore the same expressions, with a different voice she spoke in the same gentle tone...<p>

As the memories flooded back, he thought of how he had been driven to tears when his wife had committed suicide, not because of love or compassion but because he would have liked to kill her himself. He tightened his fingers around the girl's throat, watching her face twist in pain and feeling her struggle in his hands. For the first time since the date began - no, since much earlier, perhaps a few years ago - he smiled. A small chuckle escaped from his lips. Leaning in close, he whispered to her with absolute sincerity.

"I love you."

The struggling subsided. Kirei let her small corpse fall to the ground and glanced over her once again. Her eyes were just as empty as they had been before. The only real change was the red marks that he had left on her neck. Perhaps her heart had been almost dead to begin with, but she had still shown a trace of gentleness that mirrored his late wife almost too perfectly. He had killed the girl in place of her to ease the regret that had been buried deep within his own mind.

His laughter grew, bubbling through his throat and filling the air that was quickly being dyed red by the sunset. So, this small girl had, in the end, given him a little satisfaction. In the most unforgivable way, no less. Archer was right. He truly was someone who reveled in the suffering of others, someone born to be hated, someone who could not possibly be saved. He recognised himself as such a person and laughed at the irony of having struggled for so long, trying to become good, when it had been hopeless from the start.

The blank, violet eyes of Matou Sakura stared at him. He stared back, finally falling silent.  
>Kotomine Kirei felt the emptiness return to his heart, even as he told - convinced - himself that he had no regrets.<p>

END

* * *

><p>[Kirei]<br>((Hope you liked the story overall. Fun fact: The longest ending is the BAD END, and the shortest is the GOOD END. By Gilgamesh's theory, what does this say about the writer? Anyway, please leave a review and tell me: Which ending did you like the most? And give any other feedback, if you have any.))


End file.
